Earlier this month, the Arab Emirates 7Days newspaper reported on a case involving a young Lebanese mother who was found guilty by a Dubai court of causing the death of her full-term, unborn child. The mother was driving home one day in October 2008, just four days before her scheduled Cesarean section, when she unintentionally struck the vehicle in front of her. The drivers of the vehicles sustained minor injuries, but the baby’s umbilical cord was severed in the accident.
The head of Dubai Traffic Prosecution was quoted as saying the verdict would serve to protect unborn babies: “The mother is responsible because she didn’t protect her baby. She hurt her baby when she caused the accident. We want all pregnant women to avoid driving unless it is necessary, or it is an emergency situation. They need to protect their baby and sit in the back.”
When my son died at 41 weeks of pregnancy, I suffered with terrible bouts of guilt. After all, what is a mother’s primal purpose but to protect her unborn baby? I blamed myself for not sensing something was wrong, for trusting medical providers who turned out to be negligent, for not demanding my son be delivered before his due date, for studying almost every possible pregnancy complication but velamentous cord insertion, for not seeking a second detailed ultrasound, for forgetting to take my prenatal vitamin a few times, for not questioning my midwife when she told me it was perfectly normal to stop gaining weight at 32 weeks of pregnancy, for not asking what my fundal height was at each prenatal visit as I later learned Nicolas had intrauterine growth restriction, for believing my midwife when she said I couldn’t possibly have preeclampsia despite my dangerously high blood pressure, and for hundreds of other things.
Mostly, I blamed myself for living while my infant son died.
Every mother of a child who dies struggles with tremendous guilt. And to have your child die inside you – where he is supposed to be nourished and protected – brings a guilt and a grief like no other. I cannot imagine the torment this poor Lebanese mother is experiencing to be condemned by a court of law of failing to protect her baby and causing his death. As an American, it is easy for me to say that Dubai, like many Middle Eastern countries, is inherently misogynistic and is using this tragic event as a way of pushing women into the backseat, of reneging on the few hard-won rights granted to women in their country. But for this mother who lives everyday under these rules and culture, an official condemnation – official proof of her guilt — must be an impossible thing to live with.
It has been over three years since I lost Nicolas, and on most days, I do not struggle with guilt or blame myself for his death. Although I still wish with every fiber of my being that Nicolas had lived, I understand now that I did my best for my son given the situation. None of us, including the Lebanese mother, intend for our babies to die – none of us would knowingly cause harm to our unborn children. It is a sad truth that we cannot protect our children in all situations. The unexpected and the catastrophic happen everyday, despite our best intentions. The guilt we feel when our children suffer from tragedies beyond our control is proof of the deep love and responsibility of motherhood. Guilt is part of being a mother.
